Reflections on Depression and Anger 

One of my favorite places to write is on my backyard deck.   It overlooks a small stand of woods, which is populated by various denizens; mostly squirrels and chipmunks, several species of birds (including a couple of cardinals, and various types of wood peckers, and an occasional fox and deer.   My yard has several birdhouses and bird feeders, so my I often have company from feathered friends. With the exception of occasions when neighbors are mowing their lawns, cutting down trees or holding pool parties, which fortunately is not often, the deck is a quiet place to think and write. So here I am, late afternoon, on the Fourth of July. From my perspective, it is a beautiful afternoon. The sun is shining, the sky is blue and birds are chirping. It is a wonderful day to say “Happy Birthday America”, and to sit in my deck and write some of my thoughts.

Earlier today, I ran a four-mile race. It is called the Firecracker Four, since it is held on the fourth of July and is four miles long. The race winds its way through the town of Saratoga Springs, which is now awakening from its winter slumber and about to see its population swell due to the onslaught of summer visitors, most of whom come for the six week thoroughbred racing season, which lasts from the final week in July through Labor Day. The race path is mostly flat, with the exception of two hills, and passes along tree-lined neighborhoods. While surrounded my many other runners, I found myself able to do some reflections.

I have been feeling very depressed for quite a while now, and relatedly, angry. I do see a therapist and I have made some progress – I think. She thinks that most of my depression is situational. I have lost two brothers, my parents, and have some difficulties at home and at my place of employment.   She also believes that I have been stuffing a great deal of anger about what ails me and I am in agreement with her. It is especially hard in the morning when I first awaken. I do not want to get out of bed but staying in bed is not necessarily a good thing, since my mind flows with all kinds of thoughts – not usually good ones – about work, family, losses, etc.

Now I must say that while I struggle with depression, I recognize that I am very fortunate.   I live in a pretty good country, am physically healthy, and have a pretty good job and have a nice family, even if there is some turmoil in each of these realms.   Nonetheless, I do feel depression and anger.

 

So as I was saying earlier, I ran this four-mile race earlier today. I am not a fast runner so I was out on the course for a little more than 50 minutes. As I ran, I found myself feeling anger inside of me – a lot of anger; mostly over situations I am facing, and decisions that I have made or my failure to act on decisions I feel are good for me.   I find that I am my own worst enemy n this regard. Maybe I am not alone in this. However, as I ran I felt like my anger was rising up inside of me. Initially, I was concerned that I would forestall my efforts to complete the race by sapping my energy. Instead, it seemed to propel me forward.

 

So as I ran, I thought of some of the situations I currently face, and my attitude toward them, or the people involved.   Suddenly, I realized that so many times, I enter into situations looking for conflict and feeling angry before the situation begins. Interestingly, this realization made me angry at first but then became one of those “aha” moments, as I realized it is true. For example, when I have meetings with certain people, I find my blood pressure rising and anticipating a fight with them. As I ran, I recognized that I have more anger in me than I have wished to recognize. My therapist has recently noted that I am taking more responsibility for this, but I do not like it. I could feel the rage inside of me ebbing and flowing as I ran and reflected on different scenarios and different people. I do not like the way that I react and have been behaving. Losing my temper, shouting, bullying, and not being at peace with myself. I pride myself as being easygoing but as the miles passed, I saw hypocrisy in this. I am only easy going on the outside – at time – but a bubbling volcano beneath the surf ace, which in the last few years has erupted all too often.

Part of my anger is related to my inability to confront some situations honestly, such as my professional situation. I attempted to do this a year ago by asking my boss for a change since I was honest with him and said my pilot was near empty. He and I discussed how we could make some changes that would be mutually beneficial. He said nothing could be done immediately but by the end of the year (this past year) we would work out a new arrangement. However, this did not happen. I was not happy about it and attempted to take actions to fix the situation. However, this did not work and in the end, I lost my temper and said things I wish I hadn’t. Then, I was confronted by another situation, in which my employer tried to fire me for cause and my volcano erupted again – rightfully so, I believe. Now I find, that as far as my work situation is concerned, I prepare for a conflict, almost hoping that one occurs. I do not want to be this way.

I am reading a book “Breakfast With Buddha”. I think about this book a great deal and did so as I ran. The “Buddha” in the book is a monk named Rinpoche and I find myself at times have a dialogue with him, hoping to find a path to some place where my volcano will be dormant and I will be at peace with myself.

In any case, these were my thoughts as I ran and as I reflect on them as I sit on my deck on this beautiful afternoon.

 

 

 

 

Senior Speech, 2017

June 24, 2017

Delivered on June 7, 2017 to the combined senior classes of The Albany Academies 

Good late afternoon.  I am humbled and honored that I was selected by the senior young men to be one of your speakers for tonight’s dinner.  First, I want to congratulate all of you on your impending graduation. I also wish Scap the best of luck as she starts a new adventure in her life. Scap, you have been the heart and soul of AAG for as long as I have been here. It is hard to imagine what next year will be like with out you.

 

I am not sure why exactly I was selected since I know that I have many colleagues who are equally worthy of this honor.  I also am not sure what your expectations are but will try to meet them just the same.  But in any case, thank you for selecting me

 

Since being informed by Mr. Milliken that I would be one of tonight’s guest speakers, I have tried to think about what I might say.  Over the past six weeks, I have played around with many themes, much like I am sure you do when you have an important paper to write.  And much like many of you, I started writing down ideas and also putting it off.  I kept saying, okay, today I will write the speech, and soon the number of todays before this day became fewer.  But, I did finally sit down and do it – yesterday.

 

As I said, there were many themes that I considered.  I also thought about how long I should speak. I am sure you all are anxious to get to the May Project fair, so I looked up how long the attention span of an adolescent is and I learned that it ranges from 8 seconds to about 15 or 20 minutes.  So on one hand. I should be done by now. On the other, you are in for the long hall.  I promise that I will try to be somewhere in the middle.

So getting back to themes.  One theme I considered was how the road of life is so unpredictable.  We can all attest to this.  We plan on having things go a certain way, but then something happens. Sometimes, these are good things, opportunities that come along that we can’t pass up, so we take them, even though it was not in the original plan.  Then there are the unfortunate things, or potholes, in the road, that cause us to take detours or slow us down, or go in an entirely different direction.  In the end, we discover hopefully that we are where we are supposed to be.

For example, this year certainly did not go as planned for me, and had good things and a few bad things crop up.  When I started out the year, I was teaching two sections of history, directing the Senior Honors Project, advising the international students, and helping out with the Girls on the Run Program, and the AAG Modified basketball program.  Come October, an unexpected opportunity to teach psychology presented itself.  This turned out to be one of the highlights of the year, as I got to teach seniors again, and in the course of doing so, I also had the chance to get to know a number of the young women in this class.  Then in November, I learned that I was going to be the head coach of the AAG Modified basketball team, not the assistant, and would be coaching 21 girls by myself.  I am not sure how this was for them, but this was another highlight, even though we did not win a game.   In January, on my wife’s birthday, she fell and broke her kneecap into 12 pieces.  As you can imagine, this was horrible for her, and caused many changes in her life, mostly giving up her independence. I know this was not fun for her and since she has been a runner for nearly 40 years of her life, this clearly presented a change in her story, since her running has been placed on hold.   As for me, it meant for six weeks, I became the family chauffeur, cook, chief laundry guy, etc.   In April, Mr. Pascone conferred upon me the title of Adviser of the Year at the Cum Laude dinner because I had the good fortune of having five of my beloved advisees inducted into the Cum Laude Society. Then shortly after that, Mr. Milliken informed me that I was selected to be the speaker for tonight.  Through all of this, of course, other facets of life continued.  We had a presidential election, and a new president, and the Patriots won the Super Bowl, my grand daughter finally laughed at one of my jokes, my daughter played the harp at Carnegie Hall, along with Lucy Xu, (I might add) as part of the Empire State Youth Orchestra, you applied and received notifications about your college plans for next year, and so on and on. So now here we are.  I am sure each of you also has a similar and perhaps more compelling story to tell about your year, about plans, expectations, opportunities, setbacks, triumphs, etc.  That seems to be the way of life. As Kurt Vonnegut once wrote: “So it goes”.

 

And this brings me to the second theme I considered, the importance of stories.  I like to read.  I also like to write and I like to tell stories.  I also like to read about other people’s stories or listen to others tell their stories.  In terms of reading, I think it is important that we all have a bible or two or three that we turn to when we need solace or sustenance, or just need to laugh.  Some of my bibles are the ones I have here. On the humor side, I have Calvin and Hobbes, and Gary Larson’s Far Side cartoons. On the general reading side, I have many, but one recent book that I enjoyed was this one, Breakfast with Buddha .  In fact I enjoyed it so much that I had lunch and dinner with Buddha as well.  On the poetry side, I also have an eclectic list, including some poems that some of you have written, on “9/11” and on “Freedom”.   On the philosophy side, I have Martin Buber’s I and Thou; and also, this one by Robert Coles, The Call to Stories.  It is a book that talks about the importance of listening to each other’s stories and getting to know those around us.  Robert Coles was a physician and discovered that healing involves getting to know the whole person.  This is true of so many other facets of life as well, and I wonder why we don’t take more time to learn each other’s stories.  Are we that busy with our lives?  I will leave that question unanswered, but this book was and continues to be an inspiration to me since it applies to teaching as well and it inspired me to start a project each year to ask my students in World History to write their personal histories.  And I find it is your stories that I enjoy hearing a great deal.

 

Now, I realize that some of you were not in my World History course.    But, for those who were, you may recall that I said that history is the story of ordinary people doing extraordinary acts.  Now I have taken the liberty of leaving some sheets around, which list 30 various qualities of what it means to be extraordinary.  Some of you have seen these before.  And if you look at these, you will see that many of these attributes apply to you.  In fact, consider what extraordinary things that you have achieved already.

  • Academic success, – most of your are headed off to college next year, where I am sure you will continue to build upon the foundation of learning you already have;
  • Artistic success:  whether it is dance, theater music or the visual arts, this class has much to be proud of.  Our halls are covered with wonderful works of art, and our stages showcased so many of your talents throughout this year, and the past few years.
  • Athletic success – this year alone, you had successes on the ice, in the pool, on the courts, on various fields, on the track and cross country courses, etc., – and may of you are going to continue to pursue athletic endeavors at the next level;
  • Cross –cultural success:  some of you have crossed country and state borders from far away places to come here and share your cultural selves with pursuing your learning.  As you go forward, the cross-cultural ties you might have made can hopefully help this world forge new understandings and peaceful engagements
  • Social success: making friend and bonds that will last a lifetime;
  • Miscellaneous: Honors Projects, Debate, Robotics, and so many other successes that you have to celebrate.
  • Finally Personal success.  You all have made a mark on our respective schools and your footsteps and voices will continue to echo through the halls for many years to come.

 

I hope as you look at this list of extraordinary qualities, you will see yourselves reflected in many of them, and hopefully, you will continue to develop others of these traits.  I have mentioned the successes, but I am sure that some of you have also experienced various challenges or disappointments.  These have asked you to persevere and perhaps remake your selves.

 

Okay, I realize I am getting to the upper end of that attention span I mentioned earlier, so I will start to wind down. I mentioned my World History class, and another thing I said in that class, is that most of us will never end up in a history book.   But for the young men who were in my history course, you have made it into a history book, this one (hold up the book).  This book contains many amazing stories.  I know not all of the young men and all of the young women here were in my class, so I am sorry that your stories are not included.  I am sure that your stories are as compelling as the ones contained here, which include personal histories ranging from Anadio to Zebrowski, and even includes some people who have moved on from her, such as Sean Moran, Leland Ben, A.J. Groesbeck and Josh Sanchez, to name a few.  These stories are only up to your 10th grade year, but even then you had so many extraordinary accomplishments, such as sports championships; science bowl, spelling bee, and geography bee trophies; and you told of enjoyable times with parents, grandparents, siblings and friends; and even some sad times too.  What stands out to me is how important your families are to you, and that you want to be remembered for making a difference.  One of you wrote that you would like to be remembered as a strong and benevolent leader (we could use one of those now) and others hoped that if they ended up in a history book, they would be remembered as having a positive effect on their world, or changed the world for the better.  One of you even wants to be Chair of the Trustees at our esteemed institution. I am sure your insights would help us even now.  This is a book of extraordinary events and values, and it represents in part what you have shared with me, and with the entire faculty and staff here at the academies – yourselves.

 

As I said at the outset, one of the highlights of this year was getting to teach some of the young women in this class. So I do not want to leave you out. I am grateful to you as well for what you have given me this year. You were patient with me as we tried new things, read the books I asked you too, and wrote some wonder essays and other papers; plus you allowed me to hone my chocolate chip cookie skills.

 

Another highlight of my job is working with the international students.  Your respective classes are well represented by international students.  I have had the opportunity mostly of getting to know members of the Chinese students community, who have welcomed me into their midst and allowed me to serve as their Academy guide, while I have been fortunate to learn so much from them.  This year, I also got to know some of the Canadian students better, in part because of the Psychology class, and this too has been enriching.

 

For all of you, one of the nice things about teaching you is your willingness to try new things and give teachers the freedom and confidence to offer a variety of ways to work with you, even if they don’t seem to make sense at the time.  From teaching you and learning WITH and FROM you, my life has become much richer.  Each day, I discovered something new and for that I am forever appreciative and will miss you.  As you go forth, I hope you will continue to be open to new learning ideas and approaches and also express you voice for what interest you.

 

In closing, let me say, that the selection as one of your speakers is a wonderful capstone to my year.  It is MY Carnegie Hall appearance and for that I will be eternally grateful.  I know that it is typical of offering some advice at these soirees, but as my beloved advisees know, I am not too big on giving advice, except for a couple basic rules.  The first one is simple — no Mental Masturbating, or no M2.  Life, as I noted above, is to unpredictable and short to be wasting time mental masturbating.

 

Two, don’t try to teach a pig how to sing, it wont work and also will make the pig angry.  I think this is self-explanatory

 

And, lastly, and most importantly, love each other – as each of you agree to do. Notice I said, “as each of you agree to do” NOT as you want others to love you. This is not easy, for as the poet Rainier Maria Rilke wrote

“For one human being to love another human being: that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been entrusted to us, the ultimate task, the final test and proof, the work for which all other work is merely preparation..  it is something we must learn..”

 

And the question that might be asked is: how do we learn to love?  With all of the subjects we teach in school, why not a course on loving, respecting and learning how to even simply talk with each other and get to know each other. And this brings me back to the topic of stories. We must find time to share our stories and take time to listen, really listen – to each other. Hopefully, by doing so, we can build bridges that lead to loving each other.

 

Finally, (I know finally!!) if I had a gift I could give to each of you; it would be a road map of the world and two tickets that would allow each of you to travel around the world . Your education allows you to sample the world in a vicarious way. But my wish for you would be to go with a friend and see the world, make new friends, hear their stories and add to yours.

 

I apologize for going over the attention span limit and thank you so much for listening to me.  I look forward to hearing your unfolding stories.